Depression and weight gain, and Adoption

I have had a rough few days. The affects of my 20+ gained lbs is really getting to me. Depressing me actually. It is a miracle I havent technically gone up a size, though I am pretty darn close. My clothes are tight, I have not worn jeans in months. I just hate how constrictive they are. I think I will permanently be wearing more flexible, stretchy materials. I just like how they feel anyways, regardless of my weight.

Unfortunately, I am an emotional eater, BIG time. I was doing good for several weeks, then I went on vacation and I have not been able to get back on track since then! Vacation was impossible to eat healthy, so I just let it go. The week after, I could have been good, but working the long hours meant I didn't care. The week after that we started moving. I ate whatever I wanted. That third week, however, I was getting a lot of workouts in due to moving, so I actually saw a small loss!

Well, its been a couple weeks now, and I have not gotten back on track at all. A couple days ago I was feeling really upset about it. I was meeting a friend at the mall where I get WI, and decided to go step on the scale while I was there. Yeah, up another 5+ from 2 weeks ago. I thought maybe it would help me start over at least for the half of a week I had left until my next WI. Apparently not.

Tonight I was really depressed. Its a combination of all this extra weight, feeling out of control, and the fact that my 2 year old is driving me absolutely bonkers lately. Going out in public is a joke now....shopping, going out to eat. She is whiney the whole time. Ugh. So, the combination is making me sad, irritable, and depressed. Sometimes I think depression hits me for no reason as well, but I really think this time is all about me and the weight thing.

So, I have this desperate plee for help. Dear friends, help me with moral support, however that may take form. Don't be harsh, but help me stay on track! Gentle reminders? I dont know. I need something, whatever that is.

On an unrelated other subject, I have been thinking a lot about my birth parents. For those of you who did not know, I am adopted. When I was 10 months old I was placed in the care of the State, who placed me in a foster home, with the couple that would become my adoptive parents. From 10 months until I was 5/6 I was off and on staying with my foster parents, and my birth parents. My Birth Father, Harold, and my Birth Mother, Denise, were separated for a good time of this. My memory on the subject is choppy for some reason, I keep forgetting the details. Anyway, supposedly Denise was physically (and probably mentally) abusive, and Harold, while a loving father, I think struggled with making ends meet. I had been hospitalized as a baby due to physical abuse, by Denise it is assumed. I am not certain, but it seems that my mom has told me Harold was an alcoholic, but again, my memory is shady so this may not be accurate. Perhaps it was more speculation. Anyways, whatever the case, both Harold and Denise were not suitable parents at the time, both making poor decisions. During a final attempt through the state, Harold was given custody of me, and Denise was allowed supervised visitation as long as she was able to start getting her life in order. It sounds as though Harold at some point broke the rules stated by the court when he allowed Denise to have me without supervision, which at that point meant termination of his rights as a legal guardian and parent, as well as Denise losing all rights. Mom tells me Harold put up a fight by taking off with me in a car, and the police went on a little chase before he relinquished. I am sure he didnt want to let me go, however he obviously made some poor decisions, he knew what the rules were, and they were broken. My mother cried when she got the phone call telling her that I was finally theirs. I was so proud to become a Finney, and when I was 6 years old, I was adopted by my foster parents. I think they had always been my family, more so than my birth parents.

My mom was always baffled that Harold never attempted to find me or get contact once I became old enough. She always thought he would. She has never wanted Denise to look, nor does she particularly want me searching her out. Also, I have a sister, probably about 2 years younger than me. She is most likely my half sister. Mom tells me she too had been placed in the care of foster parents, as she too had been hospitalized as a baby due to physical abuse injuries, and so I am uncertain what her fate came out to. I do not know if she ever went back to her birth parents, or was also adopted. I have photos of my father and mother, they are polaroids, and I went ahead and took pictures of them to post, as I do not have a running scanner right now. There is also a picture of me as a baby, sitting with a social worker that worked on my case at the time.

People always ask me if I am bitter about it, or how I feel about being adopted. I think it has always been who I am. I dont remember Harold or Denise. Which I suppose is sad that I dont have at least some good memories. I was just too small, and perhaps it was all too traumatic. Am I bitter? Never, I am not that kind of person, I never will be. People tell me I should hate Denise. I don't. I can't say that I know what she was going through at that time. Sometimes I find myself with a nasty anger streak, and I always wonder if I inherited that from her? I would like to think I would never take it as far as she did. Did she have horrible feelings of regret after taking out her anger on me or my sister? I know I am a person who feel deep remorse for all actions that I know are not good, and I would think most people would. So, nearly 30 years later, does she still feel this regret? Does she wonder who I am, where I am. Does she care? What about Harold? Why didn't he ever come looking for me? Was he afraid I would reject him? I find it extremely hard to believe that he doesnt care. Or didn't. Its been so long, I am merely a short time in their lives where they had a small child in their care. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have a child I had given birth to be take away and adopted by another family. Especially after I had actually cared for them, and possibly even loved them. I hold no anger, no malice. I feel a sense of longing. I admit that I romanticize what might ever come of meeting my birth family. I always felt a sense of disconnect from my family I grew up with. That there is this part of me that will always be separate, distinct, different. Up until 2 years ago I had never known an individual that looked like me. You can imagine how it makes me feel to have a child that has so much of my likeness. My mom talks often about how many of Calista's mannerisms are like mine. Except, of course, her temper. I was a sweet child, that didn't throw tantrums. I wonder if it was because I had gone through some traumatic times? Its amazing, I dont seem to be that sweet person anymore. Thats another story, however.

But yes, I have often thought about what it might be like to meet them. I even made a few attempts to locate my birth father, right before I got married. len made some phone calls to names in the phone book. Either none of those men were Harold, or they simply didnt want to be contacted. Again, I somehow feel like they wouldn't just not want to find out about me, who I am. Meet me. I know, over and over again people tell you not to get your hopes up. I know this, I am not dumb. But does that mean I should never have hope? Perhaps they parents are dead. Somehow, I dont feel that either. From time to time I would get those silly notions that children often fantasize about....the kind where "I might be a princess" or, like the kid in the movie August Rush, where he learned the music and somehow his parents found him because of that. However, my circumstances are not like that, obviously. I wish I knew where to look, who to talk to. If I had the money to hire a PI, that would be my next step. And I am sure someday I will. I think I will always feel some part of me is not whole, even as small as that may be. Maybe thats pathetic, or unreasonable. But it is what it is. I can't say I have spent years of my life depressed and agonizing over this. But I think about them often, and often imagine what they might be like, or try to view myself in third person and see what they might see. I would love to have a relationship, of some kind, with one or the other parent. And sister, and whatever siblings may exist out there. Not to replace family, no, but to fill this tiny gap in my life that doesnt have any other thing to fill it.

Anyways, just some things I have been pondering. I see myself as having a complicated and unique past. I had plenty of heartache, but never had a lack of love in my life. My family has always been there to love me, even though I often have so little in common with them. My sister, Chris, today, sensed me being down about myself. She told me I was hot, not matter what. lol. Nothing like a sister to give you that kind of unconditional love and support. Its different from what a spouse can give you...yes, they give you that as well. I think its different when it is your family. Most people say that you cant pick your family. In some ways, we did, however. Or it was fate, I was meant to go to them. I have a lot of respect for my mom, my sister, and my father who passed away when I was 10.

I am babbling now. I dont know if I have anything I can add to this subject. Just some ponderings from me. Now you all know a little bit more about me. :-) I think I have an interesting story to tell. I had plenty of love, and even some tragedy in my life. But it has never stopped me from moving on in my life. Not yet anyway. I often look at myself now, and am disappointed in who I have become. I hope the next 30, 40, how many ever years, are filled with some more amazing details. Love and Tragedy, worthwhile meaning in my life from whatever else life gives me. Its amazing how many things happen to us, even sometimes in the course of a year. I hope family members could someday look back and talk about what a unique person I was, and what a full life I lived.

Thanks for sharing some of my story with me!

The following are the pictures I mentioned. As you can tell, I look a lot like my mother, minus the dark hair. I had some teeny baby pictures to share as well, but I cannot find those. Another time I will share.